I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
