I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
