sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
