I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
