If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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