guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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