did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
