oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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