Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
