Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
