i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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