just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
