I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
