I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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