Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I supernannyed him into submission
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
