I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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