so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
