definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
