she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
