She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize