I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Found your dick twin last night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize