I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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