Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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