Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
