the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Congratulations! We have a period
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