i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
