WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
