I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
