You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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