when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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