my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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