is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
