I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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