my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
