Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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