He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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