so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
