the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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