remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
