I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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