I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
