Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
