why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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