im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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