I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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