Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
