If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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