He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
