took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
