it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
