I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
