those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
