my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
