Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
