had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
