I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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