Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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