This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
