You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
