He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
