are you still at the devil's house?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
