I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
