mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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