Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
