I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
